On My G.R.I.N.D.

Now’s the time. Everything that I have been working so hard for will come down to this last week and a half. Stay strong and focused. Stay hungry and humble. I will not bow, I will not break, I will not fall, I will not fade. I’m going to make something out of myself. I won’t let these past weeks be go to waste.

FOCUS. BRING IT.

Damn, this break went by pretty fast. I had the opportunity to catch up with a lot of my old family and friends back at home, as well as the pre-Thanksgiving break time with my UCI family and friends. It was really nice, like a breath of fresh air from all of the studying, just what I needed before tackling this upcoming week before finals. Its a bit late, but I wanted to give my thanks to all the awesome times pre-Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, and post-Thanksgiving :]

Now back to work! Nothing’s going to stop me.

>:]

UCI Fam Bam :]

Family :]

OCHSA Fam Bam :]

Words can’t describe how much I appreciate the things in my life right now. Honestly, I am so fortunate to have so many things that I am grateful and thankful for. Hell, I don’t deserve it, but I can’t help but feel so lucky.

I am thankful for my family. My inspiration. My reason to be the best I can be. The fuel to my fire. Mom, Grandma, and Kim, thank you SO much for everything. Life has always thrown obstacles in our way, but no matter how difficult the trial, we have always stuck together through the hard times, thrived together in the good times, and continued to make everyday an even better day for us as a family. Chu Khanh, even though you and I aren’t related by blood, we are blood. You were there for me when I was just a naive kid, and have taught me so much as the years went by, being the father-figure I’ve always desired, but never had. To my family, I love each and every one of you. If it wasn’t for all of you, I would’ve been lost and strayed away from my very own life. I thank you for helping me and continue helping me in becoming the man I want to become. I will always be there for you all, and I will not disappoint.

I am thankful for my friends. So many experiences and the time we have all shared has impacted my life in so many ways. Because of you all, I have learned SO much about who I am in this world. To my UCI family and friends, I can’t even imagine life without you guys. Coming into college, I had no idea that I was going to meet such a great group of people. In the short amount of time, we became close and lived each day together, laughing together, crying together, learning together. I can’t tell you all how much I appreciate all of you. I am thankful for each and every one of you, and I love each and every one of you. To my friends back at home, thank you for still being by my side after all these years. I have known you all for so long, and even though we’ve all went our separate ways to tackle what life has in store for us, we’ve never forgotten one another, stuck together, and always came back to each other when we’re all home. To each and everyone of you, thank you so much, I love you guys.

I am thankful for my experiences. This year has been a pretty crazy one. Unexpected roller coasters at surprising corners. I learned a lot through my experiences, especially this year I feel like because at this moment,  I realize that I know just a bit more about what I want, what I need to do, and what is important. And I realize that I’m pretty damn happy, hahaha. I want to keep on learning, growing, reforming into a better person. For all the lessons I have learned this year, even though some were more difficult than others, I’m grateful and thankful for helping me get to where I’m at today.

Dang, I feel like this blog is a bit of a jumbled mess haha, but hey, don’t hate, XD. Well, happy thanksgiving everybody! Let’s feast like a beast and eat ourselves until we’re obese…or until we’re all in a state of food coma, hahaha.

:]

Two more weeks until finals.

Three more weeks until the end of this quarter.

Stay strong and focused. Stay hungry and humble. That’s how I’ve been and that’s what I’m going to keep on doing. Nothing’s going to stop me from getting to where I want to be. I’ve made it this far, and I’m going to keep on going. I’m going to own this quarter.

Oh, and most of all, stay peaceful. Someone very close to me told me a while back that peace is the most important thing. If you find peace within yourself, you’ll be able to find love, and the love you have with the people in your life will find you happiness. So I’m going to stay peaceful and happy, because that’s how I’ve been feeling, and it feels pretty damn good.

One step at a time. This quarter’s got nothing on me. Bring it.

>:]

Today was a good day.  A day I haven’t had in a while to be honest…It was a day that I finally got to do three things I’ve wanted to do for some time, but wasn’t able to.

1) Study.  And when I say study, I don’t mean like an hour or two of being productive.  That’s weak stuff.  I’m talking about a WHOLE day of being on top of my schoolwork.  After my 8 am bio class, I went straight to the Student Center Terrace and studied there from 9 am to 12:30 pm, went to my 1 pm class, had lunch at 2 pm, and then went back to studying at 3 pm till 9:30 pm in Langston Library.  I covered a lot in bio for my midterm on Wednesday.  I know, I know…I should’ve started earlier, but its never too late right?  Plus I got A LOT done, and I feel very good about it.  I want to keep this productiveness up as the weeks go on.

2) Dance.  After a long day of my head in the books, I decided to hit the ARC to session with my friends and BBA for a couple of hours.  I haven’t danced in almost two weeks…but I decided that I needed to.  Not only to relieve stress, but for the sake of loving it.  Dancing is something that I really love, and I felt like I’ve forgotten about my companion dance.  Like music, its something that I don’t ever want to give up.  The two weeks has made me a bit rusty, but I’ll polish it up in no time.  Even though I haven’t danced in a while, it was very refreshing, like taking a gigantic breath of really, really, really good smelling air (that seemed like an awkward sentence…)

3) Being with my friends.  I’ve been MIA everywhere to be honest…my UCI family, BBA, and around campus.  I’ve been MIA for so long that I didn’t realize its been a couple of weeks since I last saw some of my friends that I used to see all the time.  But today was different.  I got to have lunch with Vue.  We chilled and talked about random stuff over some Panda Express.  It was really good catching up with a good friend, I haven’t gotten a chance to just sit down and have a chill meal with a buddy in a while.  Then, while studying at Langston Library, Ms. Jane joined me in my study session, and soon after so did Jhan.  We studied together, and tried NOT to play the distracting game…oh man, XD.  No seriously, we did study and got a lot done for our midterms.  Its been a while since I even got to study with good friends.  It reminded me of the dorms last year.  Its really nice when you got some study buddies around.  After, I got to session with my friends at the ARC.  Its been so long since I last danced with them, and I forgot how good it felt.  Having good friends around while doing something you love really puts a guy in a good mood.  I haven’t hung out with all of them in a while, but I plan to change that.  And I’m thankful for having friends like them.

Tonight I felt like it was a reminder.  It reminded me of the happiness in my life that I haven’t felt in a while.  I’ve been so caught up and MIA with everything that’s been going on…that I forgot to live.  Living right now.  At this moment.  And I’m very thankful for tonight.  I want more days like this again, more days like this as I keep on growing and progressing.  As I reform myself, I want to keep the things I love close to me.  I got a fortune cookie today and it said “Be assertive and you will win”.  I have to keep on being assertive, positive, and optimistic as I grow as an individual.  Who knows, anything can happen, you just got to hope for the best and keep on living.  I thank you so much for this reminder.

Well…2:57 am.  Oh man, and 8 am class tomorrow?  I’m going to hit the bed now, haha…got a long day of studying ahead of me.  Goodnight.

My chemistry midterm for Chem 1C is approaching in less than six hours.  I’ve finished studying, but I may wake up early before school tomorrow to do a couple more practice problems.  After my studies, I’ve been wanting to write a list of goals that I would like to see change within myself by the end of 2010.

1) Change my over-thinkingness.  This constant flaw in myself seems to be the most detrimental one and has caused many, many problems, misunderstandings, and stress for not only myself, but for others as well one after another.  I would like to see myself stray away from over-thinking too much and be able to catch myself when I am on the verge of over-thinking.  My over-thinkingness leads me to doubt and assume the worse possible scenarios, which in the end only lead me into trouble.  I want to have more control of how I over-react and how serious I take things.  This is the number one aspect I would like to see change within myself by the end of this year.  If not change, then at least progression to more control over it.

2) Find a balance between thinking with my heart and my head.  For the longest time, I’ve always known that I am the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve, making decisions and reacting with my emotions.  I’ve always thought that basing my decisions off my emotions was the best thing, because its how I really feel, so if I follow my feelings I’ll have no regrets.  I have come to realize that this is not always true, as wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time will get me into trouble.  I’ve always believe that the decisions I make from my heart will be in the end logical to my head, but after everything I have gone through, I realize that I need to find a balance in both.  Favoring one spectra over the other isn’t healthy, so I need to find a balance in both where my heart and my head can coexist.  I want to be able to change in how I view decisions and choices, not as two-dimensional like one side or the other, or black and white, but how I can make decisions and choices with how I feel but at the same time keeping it logical.  I want to find a balance in this.

3) Develop inner strength and confidence.  This has been a constant flaw in me ever since my early high school years.  If I don’t have inner strength to stay strong when times are hard, then I will always falter and never get anything done, not to mention be stuck in the same place and not progress at all.  If I don’t have confidence in myself, if I can’t believe in myself even just a little, then how can I expect to believe in others or hope that others will believe in me.  I have to believe in myself first, and get my head together.  Only then can the people around me believe in me, and I can believe in them.  I have to learn to trust myself, and from that I can trust how I am with others and how others can trust me.  I’ll be able to understand just a bit more about not only myself, but others around me as well.  This is something that I should have worked on a long time ago.

Albert Einstein once said “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow”.  The best thing I can do to live my life to the fullest is to learn from what has happened, whether it be good or bad, live for the present, thrive in it so that the moments are unforgettable, and hope for the best to come, no matter how dire things may seem.  I have to keep pushing forward, progressing, growing as an individual.  I’m far from perfect, but I want to be able to take the steps forward to become the person I want to be.  I just have to believe.  Starting today, October 19, 2010, is the start of my goals.  I will get to where I want to be, and I will succeed.  If I falter, I have to brush it off and get back up on my feet and keep moving.  And I will always hope for the best, and who knows what will happen, I just have to keep believing.  So cheers, to my new reformation.

Weather’s been a lot better lately.  I prefer it to be bright and sunny outside, so that I can bask in the warm rays and cool air.  Its a lot better than looking up at a gloomy grayish sky, with the rain flowing like endless tears.  But even though the sun is shining outside, why do I feel like its still raining?

“Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always.
A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone.
A belief in each other and the possibility of love.
A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past.
A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties.
A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead.
For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world.
And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality.
Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago.
In the sacred spaces of our hearts.”

-Unknown

Nostalgia.  It caught me off guard today, like a startled deer in bright lights.  And it hit me with the full force of a train that can’t stop.  Fuck.

“Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up. But there’s one day when you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a fighter. You’re tougher than anything life throws your way. And you are.”

-Unknown

“People are going to label you; it’s how you overcome those labels. That’s what matters.”

-Unknown

“There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you truly are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.”

-Unknown

“To be nobody but yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

- E.E. Cummings (<-LOL, sorry, couldn’t help but laugh)

I feel that this week is the start of many different things.  There’s certain changes that are obvious, obviously, like not being in a dorm and at home instead, packed lunches sitting in the car instead of convenient walks to the eating commons, a more hefty schedule that can potentially lead to longer nights in a storm of studiousness…stuff like that.  But this week marks a lot of new changes that will be happening.  Whether they be good or bad, it’s probably what is intended to happen.  I look around, and I see uncertainty and fear in people’s faces, not knowing what may happen in this oh so unknown future.  But I also see excitement for what’s to come in their faces, anxious and eager to see what this world has in store for them.  It’s refreshing, really.  For better or for worse, things will fall into place in this world.  I’ll have to sit here patiently and find out.

Oh and on a side note, I am one happy big brother.  I helped my dongseng move in yesterday, had some delicious korean bbq with her and her family, and got to spend the day with her before rehearsal, something I didn’t get to do for quite some time.  And I’m looking forward to seeing her grow as we move through our college careers together.  Oppa will always be here no matter what, and no matter what change comes, I’ll definitely make sure I’ll always be here.  I’m very proud of my dongseng, she’s going to become and do something great in this world.  Good luck in your first year of college!  Here’s to the future. :]

while on my way home yesterday night, i noticed something about myself.  i noticed that i have been doing something while driving home every single late night.  i think it became a subconscious habit, really, and for some reason it caught my eye.

over the pass couple of weeks, i guess i developed some sort of habit while driving in the empty streets late at night.  wherever i’m coming from, i always lower all my windows, so that the cold air can rush into my car.  my music is blaring in the middle of the night, as if it was screaming to every house on the block.  and then last but not least, my left arm.  my left arm rests outside of the window, as if dead weight hanging on for dear life as i drive through the night.  but what i noticed was that i keep my left arm outside the whole entire drive home.  and then when i reach my destination, its numb and cold as ice.  yesterday night, i wondered why i did such an idiotic thing.

thinking about it as i drove home yesterday, i concluded to myself that this habit is some subconscious way of my mind trying to remind myself that i’m still alive.  no matter how cold it is, how freezing it gets outside, or how numb my left arm gets, for some reason i just leave it be.  i started noticing it when my left leg started to tremble at the signs of cold weather, and i thought to myself why am i so cold, my mind doesn’t feel that way but my body says different.  and then i look at my left arm, stretched out of the window, feeling the cold air rush between my fingers, wrapping it around with the freezing breeze.  and i thought to myself “why the hell am i doing this?”  then i get the urge to slam on the gas and go faster.  faster.  faster.  and as i get faster, my arm gets colder.  and when i reach my house, i press my left hand against my cheek and was shocked to find out how cold it was.  just a lump of cold, no feeling, pale white.

i think i do this because my mind is trying to say “hey buddy, no matter what’s been going on, remember that life is still going.  life is moving, the flow is still flowing, and it isn’t stopping for anyone or anything, no matter what”.  i feel like this is my way of telling myself that, hey, i’m still here.  i can’t forget that i still got things to do.  in all the hectic cloudy storm of thoughts my brain musters up, i can’t forget that i’m still alive.  and i have to get on that train of life and keep flowing with it.  call me stupid, call me dumb, call me an idiot.  but i feel like this is a slap in the face to wake my ass up.  haha…

maybe i just need to go to bed earlier.  damn.  sleep sounds good right about now.

wow…it’s been a while since i’ve actually touched my tumblr.  i guess there’s no harm in updating it.  so much has been going on, but i guess i forgot that this is one place i could write out my thoughts.

i feel like i learned a lot about myself these past couple of weeks.  through a lot of things, whether they be good or bad, i feel like i learned a bit more and more about myself, even if its just a bit.  i remember the day i moved out of the dorms, while driving away i stared back at my home away from home and thought to myself “wow…this has been one year i will NEVER forget.  coming into college, i thought i knew a least a bit about myself.  but after leaving, i realized i barely even knew who i was coming in.  and now leaving, i know at least a bit more about who i am in this world”.  i’m not going to lie, i was pretty naive at that time.  maybe because i was feeling nostalgic because i was parting ways with a place i could call home temporarily for the past year.  but, in the end, i was just being naive.

these past few weeks have been crazy.  full of many emotions and feelings acting up like roller coasters that felt like they were endless.  times where all i could do was just stare in front of the road i was driving on, sitting quietly in the emptiness and cold, wondering where this road will take me.  i’m not going to lie, i’m scared.  scared of what life has in store for me, what life intends of me, where life wants me to be.  i pray ever day to my grandpa “what is the right path i should take?  please, give me a sign, anything”.  but what i learned was that having the right decisions in front of you would be too easy.  too easy to face life in the face, eye to eye, mano y mano.  this, i learned, is how people can learn, or rather, how i can learn, about life and what it holds.  life is a pretty complicated thing, but it can be simple if one sees it that way.  i don’t know, i feel like my thoughts are jumbled up right now…hahaha.  but i know that everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be good or bad, and whatever happens, i know that things will work out for the best, for the way their suppose to be.  in the words of motion city soundtrack, “the future freaks me out”.  but…i know that i can’t be scared of it.  i know that i can’t hide from it, or avoid it.  whatever life has in store for me, i want to face it head on, and i know that no matter what happens, things will turn out the way their suppose to.  and in the process i will find out a bit more and more about who i am in this world.  but until then, i’m still learning.  still growing.  still trying to find what the right path is.  and whatever happens to me, i know it has to mean something or maybe its where i’m suppose to be.

but, for now, i just got to take it one step at a time.